Tears, trauma and new arrivals – The Only Way Is Essex is back

Well they’re back. And there’s more of them. The Only Way Is Essex returned tonight with plenty of tears, relationship tangles, and some new faces.

The first episode of this series of TOWIE felt like a bit of a let-down to begin with, with just careful introductions of some new faces, some hair-based chat and some hand-wringing over the demise of Arg and Lydia‘s relationship.

But obviously TOWIE was just toying with its audience, employing the Brechtian technique of drama, in which the audience’s collective emotion is kept contained until the end of the show, then suddenly released in a dramatic, cathartic supernova (I may have over-done that). Anyway, it got good.

Surfing the medical zeitgeist: it’s Lauren P

The show got off to a surprising start when Lauren P revealed she has the headline-grabbing PIP breast implants “made from the same stuff they put in mattresses” apparently. Anyway, rather than having a divan fitted, she’s decided to have them removed instead. Oh, and she wants them “a bit bigger” anyway.

No, I can’t see his ‘diagonal mouth’ either. It’s Diags.

The first of the new cast members to be introduced was Joey Essex’s (previously invisible) best friend Diags – so called because he “has a diagonal mouth”. Joey compounded Diag’s lopsided face misery by accusing him of having teeth that looked like “two balloons”. No, me neither.

Still, the physical imperfections weren’t solely Diag’s domain, as Joey soon discovered when the front bit of his hair was sticking out – a nightmare most people will never have to suffer, thankfully.

Hair patted into place and safely ensconced in Faces nightclub, Jessica soon rounded on Joey for not contacting her after their shock Christmas snog. Joey reasoned that he was just “having a laugh” – surely the most well-worn of men’s excuses for all manner of bad behaviour.

Tuxedo? Check. Turning up at inappropriate times? Double check.

The big story was the shock break-up of TOWIE’s George and Mildred (ask your parents) – Arg and Lydia. There were so many heart-to-hearts about the demise of their relationship, show producers must have had a crack team of Relate counsellors on standby, blue flashing lights atop their heads.

First Arg sobbed in the arms of Lydia’s mum Debbie, then Lydia poured her heart out to Debbie – and somewhere along the tear-strewn way, Debbie must have let slip that Lydia was set to celebrate her 21st birthday with a girly meal in a brasserie on Romford High Street.

Sure enough, Arg turned up in a tuxedo, bearing gifts and telling a sobbing Lydia that he’ll wait for her. The romantic, bittersweet moment was slightly spoiled by Lauren G rounding on Arg like a prizefighter. If he’d have stayed just a minute more, I’m sure she’d have removed her chunky earrings ready for a scrap.

Searching for her hair extensions: it’s Lucy

Elsewhere, Carol and Jess took Nanny Pat out for a tandem bike ride in the park, which saw her wolf-whistle bewildered passing men, and Mario and Lucy had a set-to about their domestic situation. Super-fussy Mario told Lucy he was getting tired of finding her hair extensions around his ‘man cave’ (I think he means his flat) and accused her of being ‘unclean’. Always a nice thing to say to your live-in girlfriend. I give them about three weeks.

New arrival Georgina dishes out the good advice

The other new arrival was Georgina, who was stared at by Gemma, and leered at by Dino and Giorgio. Settling down for a girly lunch with Lauren P, Georgina shared the sage advice that “big bags make you look skinnier” – ancient wisdom handed down through the generations by a wise philosopher (Nicole Ritchie).

No matter how much I told myself I wouldn’t get dragged kicking and screaming down Brentwood High Street this time – and despite the fact that nothing much seemed to happen for the first 40 minutes of the show – one flick of the channel and I’m hooked once again.

What did you think of the first episode of TOWIE? Will the new arrivals be a good addition to the cast? Let us know below.